Jeff has had more “firsts” than I have in terms of holidays and special events. For Father’s Day he explained how he woke up still expecting to see a text from her even though he was well aware of what the reality was. Initially, I was aware of how that may feel, but until this week, approaching my birthday, now I’m starting to understand what he means.

My birthday happens to be right before Halloween, so each year I’m competing with multiple parties and events to celebrate. Most years I go back and forth between wanting to celebrate or just doing something low key and celebrating quietly. This year was similar, especially when something so big happened a few months ago I felt conflicted on whether or not my birthday was important enough to do something for. I finally settled on doing something with the small group of friends that I have, but after texting the first person to see if they were available for the date I as in mind, all my motivation seemed to dissipate. It’s still so silly to hear it back but she simply already had plans for a Halloween party and somehow that spiraled into a reminder that Jen is not here this year. There isn’t someone (other than my husband) to turn to and convince me that I can still do or to big fun for my birthday.

That is one thing that I hope we were able to reciprocate in the same way. I hope that she felt loved
each and every day, especially on her birthday. Of course, with my birthday being right before Halloween, I know this will be a hard next few months as one holiday will blend into the next but all I can do is take it one day at to live each day in honor of her.